A Simple Framework for When Someone Complains About a Colleague
If you manage a team, this moment will sound familiar:
A direct report comes to you, frustrated about a peer’s behavior. It might be a one-off, an ongoing tension, or something starting to feel toxic. The details vary—but the discomfort is real.
So what do you do?
Jumping in too quickly can backfire. Brushing it off can damage trust. Here’s a simple, three-step framework to handle these conversations with clarity and care—especially if you manage one or both of the people involved.
1. Clarify the Purpose
Before you problem-solve or empathize, pause and ask:
- How can I be most helpful to you in this situation?
- Are you looking for support in figuring out what to do—or asking me to step in?
You’re trying to understand whether they’re:
- Thinking through next steps
- Hoping you’ll intervene
- Just venting
And here’s the boundary: it’s not your role to absorb complaints about others—especially if you manage both parties or work closely with the peer. That can quietly erode trust, cohesion, and your own objectivity.
Try saying:
- If you’re looking for help figuring out how to approach this, I’m happy to be a sounding board. But if you’re asking me to get involved, we’ll need to be clear about what that would look like and why.
What you want to avoid is co-rumination—the habit of repeatedly discussing problems without taking action. It can feel helpful, but over time it reinforces frustration, builds resentment, and stalls resolution. On teams, it poisons perception and creates “us vs. them” dynamics.
What you want to avoid is co-rumination—repeatedly discussing problems without taking action.
Your goal is to guide the conversation toward clarity and action—or close it gently if neither is desired.
If they want your involvement, move to Step 2. If not, skip to Step 3.
2. Set Clear Expectations for Action
If it’s clear they’re hoping you’ll intervene, set some parameters:
- What kind of action are they hoping for?
- Do they want you to speak with the other party?
- Are they expecting mediation or coaching?
Let them know what you can (and cannot) commit to, and then follow through:
- Outline next steps
- Set timelines
- Circle back with both parties when appropriate
The key is to avoid the murky middle—where nothing is resolved and trust starts to erode.
3. Encourage Ownership When Appropriate
If they don’t want you to act, ask:
- Do you want to bring this up with them directly?
If they say yes:
- Offer support, coaching, or language to help
- Set a follow-up to check in
- Reassess if further support is needed
If they say no:
- Respect the boundary, but flag that unresolved tension often resurfaces
- Let them know the door’s open when they’re ready
💡 Where Chiefs of Staff Fit In
Chiefs of Staff often hear things leaders don’t—especially around cross-functional tension or peer dynamics. But you’re not the unofficial HR department, therapist, or complaint sponge. Your role is to guide the conversation toward clarity.
Ask:
- “Do you want me to raise this with [leader]?”
- “Would it help to talk through how you could approach them directly?”
- “Is this something you needed to name, or are you hoping for change?”
If action is needed, help them find the right path: their manager, a direct conversation, or coaching. If it’s just venting, set a kind but firm boundary.
You can also support the exec team by:
- Spotting recurring patterns
- Flagging issues that impact morale or execution
- Coaching leaders on when (and when not) to step in
Why This Matters
Whether you’re a manager or a Chief of Staff, you’ll often find yourself in the emotional middle.
This framework helps you stay clear, avoid triangulation, and encourage direct, healthy communication—so your team builds real working relationships, not just a culture of quiet frustration.
Not every conflict requires intervention. But every one of these conversations requires clarity.
